This was probably the hardest chapter to write so far! Mostly because it is the area in my life that needs the most amount of healing still. This is because it’s not just about me healing emotionally but because this involves a mental imbalance and it involves generational DNA.
I find it fitting and interesting that just this last week I had a trigger with dysmorphia. I found myself obsessing, comparing, judging, and so much more. Which reminded me: its a journey. I MUST not give up. I must not get lax. I must not give into negative vibration. AND I MUST continue to do the inner work to be the best version of myself to be that intentional disciple for others.
What was my trigger? Social media selfies of friends.
I want others who don’t understand dysmorphia to maybe take a moment and see through our lenses for a moment and think before you post something. And this is not just for us but for yourself as well. Because every time we place ourselves out there to be looked at just for our physical flesh “accomplishments” we are making ourselves vulnerable to be coveted and lusted after. Plus we are not building up the body of Christ by creating these temptations when we want to just vainly post our aesthetic accomplishments….
But please hear this…..this is not judgement…because I know some amazing people who post these selfies who truly don’t think they are doing harm….they think they are doing good….but let me help you see it from our lenses...
Dysmorphia sees: I will never be that pretty….I am too fat….I will never be that thin….I am too short….I can’t go out with them because everyone will wonder why do they hang out with “her”…..I am ugly….there is something wrong with me…..I am not lovable….what did he/she mean by that comment?….
The mental chatter can be endless….
Those with dysmorphia do have a responsibility to minimize their triggers….but dear ones you do to! We all have a responsibility as children of God to not lead anyone into sin….to not lead anyone deeper into their struggles.
So my challenge to you is to truly reflect before you post that selfie: is it going to draw your brothers and sisters in Christ closer to Him? or farther? Is it going to draw YOU closer to Christ? Is it helping or hindering your Christ walk? Is it causing you to focus too much on your flesh and not enough on the spirit of your being?
May you all find this next chapter healing and full of hope….and may what I shared above cause us all to reflect in how we can truly be a better version of ourselves always….especially when it comes to being an intentional disciple!
My love, hugs, and prayers always!
CHAPTER 11: DISORDER
After speaking up it felt like I was finally free from being a magnet of sexual harassment and sexual grabs…..but very aware, actually hyper aware, by this time in my life, the micro-looks of a pure look and a lustful look from ANY man.
I learned how to truly stay away from men, situations, and events that could make me feel vulnerable. But by this time I was so self-conscience of my body that I still felt the need to “be perfect” I just knew if I looked a particular way then maybe just maybe I wouldn’t attract the wrong men, I would love myself better, and I would finally find peace and freedom.
What I didn’t know was the years of being objectified had created a mental disconnect with my mind and body called dysmorphia. This actually took place at a young age. There are many different factors that cause a young girl to develop dysmorphia at a young age. This IS a mental condition that usually becomes obvious by the teen years. A side note: There is a huge difference between a girl just not liking what she sees in the mirror and moves on, versus dysmorphia. With dysmorphia a girl looks in the mirror and doesn’t like what she sees and will go to extremes to change it. Even avoid contact with others because she feels she is hideous looking.
I also experienced disordered eating. Depending on how I felt I would eat to punish or not eat to punish myself. If I did eat something that I deemed “wrong” or “too much” well then I would work out too much. You see I wasn’t real keen on the throwing up part. Don’t get me wrong if I felt I had eaten too too much….I would occasionally force myself to throw up but I knew too much about our health to know that the acid destroys the esophagus and destroys gut health, and so much more. So my purge of choice was beating myself up at the gym for hours at a time.
Some women because of pain and trauma of sexual abuse hide behind weight I chose to hide behind punishment. If I could master the chiseled body…the perfect diet…..I would then no longer be a victim of sexual distortions! And that was the distortion in my own mind, heart and soul!
Do you find yourself obsessing over food? Exercise? Your Body? Does this obsession take on a life of it’s own in your mind? Do you sometimes wonder if it’s bigger than you?
Let’s take a look at the blend of: Serenity, Patchouli, Douglas Fir
Serenity: Disorders….especially dysmorphia has a person’s mind not being quiet, being overactive in the negative chatter. Serenity brings about tranquility. It reconnects you with your inner self to find peace within. It opens you up to acknowledge the imbalance and find space to reflect on your personal healing.
Patchouli: Plain and simple dysmorphia is about body judgement. There is such a deep need to find peace to be truly present in your body. This oil is so amazing in releasing deep issues of judgement and feeling dirty from sexual abuse. It is the oil of Physicality so it connects your body and spirit to become deeply united. It opens you up to appreciate the magnificence of your body!
Douglas Fir: There are many things in a girl’s life that can cause dysmorphia. One of them is generational. Having a mom or family member who has dysmorphia increases the likelihood of inheriting it. Douglas fir is about generational wisdom. When we have knowledge we can learn from the past. We can break free from the destructive traditions and behaviors of our families past. We can bring new life and new growth and healing into our own life as well as to those in our future.
Diffuse these three oils together or create a roller bottle so you can place them on pulse points. These are especially powerful oils to tap with. They will encourage amazing emotional release through your prayer and tapping.
Oh Heavenly Father….I know that I know that I know I AM MORE THAN THIS BODY….this BODY has served me so well….it loves me by holding me, carrying me through the day….breathing for me…beating for me…yet I am mean to it….I look at it and judge it….I compare it…..I hide it in shame…please break me free from the bondage of the past generations who did the same….break me of the pain of my abuse and how I view my body….help me to remember I AM NOT MY BODY…but most of all grant me peace to be truly present in this body and to love it fully as you love it…..AMEN.
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