Feeling sorrow is painful. Truly feeling sorrow can be suffocating. There have been moments this last year, since my dad’s death, that I feel like I can relate to the saying “they died of a broken heart.”
Just as anything in life we can theorize how we will handle things. How we will be in situations. But truly living it is another story.
As we are drawing closer to ALL THE HOLIDAYS I find myself wanting to just “get through it” or just “smile and be happy”…..and I AM full of JOY….but I am not happy….and I know that is okay.
It is funny, but not funny…..I know all the “things” I need to be doing, and I do them. I use my oils, I tap (EFT), I go for walks, I take it to the Lord. Yet the sorrow is still there. Some days it just hurts in ways that I can’t describe.
Over the course of the last 3 months, I have been able to realize WHY (at least one of the WHY’S) it hurts. I lost one of my biggest “cheerleaders” and compassionate ears.
I have an amazing husband who I can go to for everything but we don’t always see eye to eye…lol and that is okay. That is what makes him and I so amazing together. Actually, correction… what makes us so amazing is the fact that God is our #1 priority in our marriage…that is what makes us amazing together.
Back to my dad. I have gone through and experienced a tremendous amount of change the last 6 months and I haven’t had my dad there to bounce all of it off of. I haven’t had my dad encouraging me and saying how proud he is of me for making tough decisions. I haven’t had him reminding me I am making the right decisions.
Instead, I have to wonder what would he say? How would he have encouraged me? And I have to dig deep and remember all the blessings that have come from his death.
His death had me reflect on the calling and mission God was bringing me to in my life currently. His death gave me the courage to walk away from business and partnerships for many reasons and enter back into ministry and writing full time.
His death reminded me how much I LOVE BEING A WIFE AND MOTHER….and how that first calling within my life TRULY IS ENOUGH. That I have always known I was called to the vocation of marriage and to be that support and rock for my family as Joseph was to Mary and Jesus. That I DONT need recognition and “riches”….I HAVE JESUS…..I HAVE GOD….I HAVE THE HOLY SPIRIT…….THAT IS ALL I NEED! And I find absolute and utter JOY AND HAPPINESS within being a wife and mother….I have honestly never felt the need for more!
And finally, the sorrow of his death has drawn me closer to my mom. Our relationship over the years has always had its moments. I wouldn’t say it was totally a Lorelai and Emily Gilmore kind of relationship….but pretty darn close….lol.
Instead….her and I have been leaning on each other and confiding in each other in ways that I honestly never thought possible. When I think of my mom these days I think only with love and compassion. I think “How can I best serve and support her today.” How can I let her know she is loved and cherished. And how can I be the daughter of Christ to her?
So when I have my days of deep sorrow I pause….I feel it…..and then I turn it into JOY…..joy that I have the privilege to feel the emotions and appreciate what happiness and joy do feel like.
And gratitude that GOD used the sorrow of losing my dad to OPEN my eyes to where HE was calling me into life in this season and not fear the change.
Many blessings and hugs always dear readers….
May your day be filled with joy and love…..
And may you always remember YOU ARE BEAUTIFULLY WONDERFULLY MADE!
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