Last week I was receiving a massage from a dear friend. She is truly amazing at her gift. She does a type of massage that is therapeutic (I honestly don’t remember what kind…sorry!) Over the years I have learned to appreciate how important massage is for not only self-care, but also for minimizing inflammation with Hashimotos. An added bonus is every time I have a massage it aids the healing of my past sexual traumas.
Having had 20 years of different forms of sexual abuses occur had left my body and spirit depleted and uncomfortable with things like a massage. I was never able to feel fully relaxed for a massage. It meant I was vulnerable. It meant my body was exposed. So not only would my fight, flight or flee receptors kick in but my dysmorphia would trigger.
But now, years later, I am able to experience the gift and beauty of this amazing experience that is truly life giving for me!
Have you ever had a struggle with truly becoming comfortable with a massage or a situation where you felt you were physically exposed thus vulnerable?!
Keep digging deep in your spiritual and emotional healing so you can feel the fullness of the physical healing massage can provide.
Now lets move on to my next chapter of this book. I have been reflecting so much on what the title should be….so if any of you have any suggestions I would love your input ;)….
As you’ll discover this boyfriend was a piece of work. And you know what is super sad, years later even after I was married I still found myself wanting to impress him, to show him I had made something of my life. It was then that God truly looked me in the eye and said, “Do you really want to heal?!”
So this is what I pose to you as well: Do you really want to heal!? How can you make sure you are moving in a healing direction?
With that….may you find blessings of healing and hope with this next chapter….
Many blessings and prayers always,
PS…I would love to add your healing petitions to my prayers. Don’t hesitate to reach out to me so I can add you to my prayer list….
CHAPTER 7: Why So Serious!?
2nd SERIOUS BOYFRIEND: Have you ever had an experience, a relationship, where you truly wonder, “How on earth did I allow myself to be put into this situation?” “Why would I allow myself to be treated so horribly?” That was this relationship for me. I honestly have no clue how or why I ever became attracted to this boy who was a year older than me. And to add to it, he was truly mean and rude to me from day one. Yet I think I truly begged for him to date me. I know he was friends with several of my good friends. I was a cheerleader, he was a basketball player. And we had youth group together. Maybe it was all those different constant encounters that had him on my radar.
Thus, I entered a year of the most toxic and degrading relationship at the ripe age of 16. The abuse from him was verbal and sexual. He expected and demanded things from me that I felt I couldn’t say no to because I was desperate at this point to be loved “in all the wrong ways”. He cheated on me continually yet I was so desperate for his love that I accepted it. I compromised my faith for him. It saddens me to know that hours before my confirmation I compromised my dignity just to please him. The shame of sinful behavior brought me even deeper into my self-loathing. The lowest point of this abusive relationship was when he forced me to perform things for him, holding me down telling me I owed it to him because he did me a favor by taking me to prom. Then when he dropped me off at home he went out to be with someone else.
Because of this relationship I never even saw how going to a teacher for guidance would bring me into yet another vulnerable situation of being used and abused. You see I was sooo naïve that I wasn’t sure if a girl could get pregnant if she hadn’t had intercourse. I had a pretty good relationship with my science teacher. I thought he was weird, but he made me feel special. That should’ve been my first sign that something wasn’t right about him. But I was so confused and hurt by this boyfriend that I often went to this teacher for help, guidance and an ear. During one of the many times I expressed concern that I hadn’t started my period but I hadn’t had sex so surely I couldn’t be pregnant. He shared how you didn’t have to have intercourse to become pregnant. I freaked. He said there is a way to know if a girl is pregnant without having to take a test. He said there were physical signs that showed up around our breasts. This is how broken I was, I said yes to showing him my breasts in the dark back lab room.
It wasn’t until years later that I would realize that what my boyfriend had done to me, how he forced me on him is rape. And it didn’t take me too long to realize that the science teacher I had trusted truly had used me and this was a form of sexual abuse/misconduct.
In walks our next blend of: MARJORAM, BERGOMOT, HELICHRYSUM
If you have a past trauma like this, then opening yourself up to trust others, to not fall into limiting beliefs, and to restore confidence in yourself through the pain can feel overwhelming if not impossible.
MARJORAM: will assist you in trusting others again, to remember it’s okay to feel safe with another person and to not sabotage a relationship based on past wounds.
BERGAMOT: pure and simple will open your heart to accept yourself and to close the door on limiting beliefs. Especially the limiting belief that you’re not worthy of real love.
HELICHRYSUM: will address the intense deep wounds and pain of being abused and/or raped. It reminds you to have the strength to transform your life, to have hope in your healing, and to know you are worthy!
Diffuse these three oils together or create a roller bottle so you can place them on pulse points. These are especially powerful oils to tap with. They will encourage amazing emotional release through your prayer and tapping.
Heavenly Father, you remind me in 2 Kings 20:5 that you have heard my prayers and seen my tears, you will heal me. I have nothing more to fear. I need not fear living this amazing life to its fullness. The pain of abuse and even personal choices are washed away by your precious son’s blood. I WILL open my heart to accept YOU in assisting me during this process to gain the confidence to heal and trust others to be fully present in this amazing life. I am transformed by your love and mercy. Thank you Lord for the strength to transform, accept, and connect! Amen.