I have been tapping more the last 3 days than I probably average in 30 days!
My father passed away on Tuesday morning….and the emotions I have experienced have been extreme and everywhere.
I was on my way to see him on Sunday but while traveling I received a call that he was in the heart hospital to have some tests done.
He has a history of heart stuff and multiple stints so no surprise other than knowing that if he was doing this on a Sunday he definitely wasn’t feeling well.
The first emotion I had was frustration. I had not seen my father in over a year and due to the protocols with hospitals right now I was not going to be allowed to go in and see him.
Monday they determined he needed another stint. They did the procedure and the thought was he would be able to come home that evening….buuut…..there was more bleeding than expected from the spot.
So second major emotion….anger that he had to be in a hospital alone….he is a social person…he thrives on others spending time with him! His top love languages were time and touch.
They decided to keep him another night. Now none of this stopped me from being creative to see him.
I had a care package delivered to his room and arranged with the floor nurse to open his window so we could sing to him and cheer him up. It was so much fun and I’m so grateful to have had that as his last moments with us.
Tuesday morning THE call came early…..my mom comes out to the kitchen as I was making my coffee…..she hands me the phone and says she doesn’t know what to do.
The nurse on the other end is explaining to me that they are giving him CPR but if they stop his heart will stop what does my mom want to do.
I tell her I will call her back as I talk to my mom….knowing that it won’t come to that cause sure enough the nurse calls back within in minutes and let’s me know that they had to call the time of death.
Next emotion…numb…I didn’t truly have time to truly feel anything cause my mom needed me. My time would have to wait. So I tapped some more.
Tuesday night as I got ready for bed….deep sorrow….gut wrenching sobs….but I only allowed some to come…..why?! Cause I knew if I lost it right then I didn’t know if I would return….
It was a choice to pause the sorrow….right or wrong….it was a choice I made…..
Wednesday was about processing…being with family….and trying super hard to stay present in the moment so I could truly feel all the emotions and not stuff them away….
I know it hasn’t truly fully hit me…..
But today we meet with the Funeral Home….we find out when we can actually have the funeral and then coordinate it with the church and due to again all the protocols that have been put into place due to this last year…..we are stuck with anger….
Anger that his last days were in-humane…..anger that his family and friends won’t get to have the closer they deserve….anger that he died alone without family!
So I tap…..and I find the gratitude of the having had 46 years with him….gratitude that he was the gentle soul he was….and gratitude that we did have some amazing memories.
So this next year will probably look different how I blog, post on social media, and even how I coach…..because I know if I’m willing to share with you in the moment what I’m experiencing maybe just maybe I will be able to help someone else who is going through something similar or who is still trying to process the emotions of losing a loved one.
I know my postings probably will be hit and miss for awhile and that too will be part of my willingness to continue to be raw and real with you’ll.
As you spend your last day of 2020….please reflect on all your blessings don’t take for granted one moment with family, friends, community.
But don’t also beat yourself up over “what if’s”…..or “should of”……
Instead move through the emotions……feel them….release yourself….and be present in the healing process.
No I’m not available for that project… No I’m not available to come out tonight… No I don’t want to do that…..
We don’t say NO nearly as often as we should!
Every time you say yes to something you really don’t want to do or are not feeling passionate about you are saying NO to YOU!
This is especially true to our health needs and journey!
When I first started this true health healing journey I had to learn to say no…..and it was not easy!
My health coach at that time gave me an assignment…..to say no to EVERYTHING for one week to everything someone, anyone requested me to do…..with no explanation or excuse of why I’m saying no.
Oh that was hard!
But it was a pivotal point in my healing!
Did I make family and friends mad at me…oh yes!!!
But the more I spoke up to saying yes to me….the less I allowed others opinions or thoughts bother me….
And then I discovered the more I set these boundaries the more I respected myself and that energy and vibration started increasing within me and attracting only respect and understanding from those around me.
NO became the most powerful word in my life!
NO is now my favorite word!
How can you say NO to others in your life so you are saying YES to you and your healing journey?!
On Sundays I love sitting in the bliss of knowing that God himself took a day of rest!
I think He did this for multiple reasons…
But I think the biggest one was to set the example to us.
When we don’t stop to reconnect with Him and ourselves for one day a week how can we possible remember to do the same just a little bit each day!
Having the discipline of truly unplugging from work, hustle and bustle, the world…..for just one day a week is more important than you can imagine!
I challenge you this advent to start truly setting aside a whole day that has you connecting to God and therefore yourself…
I know you will find how to better love yourself thus growing and strengthening your relationship with God….and as your grow in your relationship with God you grow in your self love! Do you see the beautiful cycle of hope and healing?!
We decided as a family a few weeks ago we were going to put Christmas up early!
It’s been interesting how many people I’ve read and heard are doing the same thing!
These are our reasons and how we are going to make sure Thanksgiving is still part of it and not crowded out:
We are going to create a gratitude jar that these little wooden hearts I have will have a gratitude written on them each day through Thanksgiving and even after….
Why we did it?
We wanted to have that very visual reminder that Christ is the reason for hope….for everything!
This year hasn’t been an easy one for anyone….and it’s naive for us to think it’s all just going to go away…..
There are days the heaviness of how divided we are as the body of Christ is very heartbreaking….and we as a family wanted to be reminded of how we are fighting the good fight….that His path is narrow and frustrating at times……but it is the path to true freedom….
Soooo we are celebrating the hope Christ represents….and how his coming years ago was for our salvation….
And His future coming is for our purification….atleast that’s how I see it…lol….
Are you planning to put your Christmas tree and decorations up early?