The enemy truly comes to cheat, steal, and lie in all areas. He plays dirty so we have to constantly be working on our communication and relationship with God.
I haven’t had a dysmorphic trigger in a very long time. I am vigilant in doing my part with nutrition, sleep, movement, prayer….ALL THE THINGS!
Yet I recently had a horrific flash (mental episode) of me entering a church where everyone looked at me and said horrible things. Things like “ewe she is so gross looking”….. “How can she even come here looking like that”…. “How does she even get up in the morning”….. “no wonder why no one wants to be around her.”…..
IT. WAS. ALL. LIES.
I recognized it right away but I didn’t understand where it was coming from. But through prayer, meditation, and going for a walk with Jesus, Mary, and even St. Hildegard…I was able to realize where the trigger came from.
I had been sick. This automatically makes my mind a bit weaker because I physically felt like poop. I also realized during this prayer and reflection time that I was getting ready for a trip that will have me around a bunch of people that I hadn’t seen in literally over 2-3 years. Some even longer.
And the final trigger was that this sweet little old man whom I have had the privilege to make meals for weekly for almost 6 months has gotten sick himself. He had to go to the hospital. This had me realizing I had some grief with my dad bubbling up. I. MISS. MY. DAD. He knew how to make me always feel fantastic about myself no matter what.
I also realized I have kept my hubby at arm’s length with the dysmorphic part of my life. You see, I had read an article years ago (in my early 20s) about how men don’t find women attractive if they aren’t super confident in themselves. If they say anything negative about themselves or their body, it is a huge turn-off. But dysmorphia is about more than just not feeling confident. It is more than just a body image issue. It is a mental disconnect. And I allowed that article years ago to be used by the enemy to twist that lie in my head. The lie was that if I talked to my hubby about dysmorphia that he would definitely find me hideous. Therefore I carried this alone and only brought it up from time to time if necessary.
I finally felt the courage, because of this most recent trigger episode, to be absolutely vulnerable and share with my husband what the lie looks like inside of my head, and that yes I know it is a lie, but it doesn’t stop the imagery from coming on. But what does stop it from continuing as a loop in the head is the prayer, the walks, the talking about.
It was funny because he asked me if we should not do our travels. And I smiled the most freeing smile. I explained to him that not going is giving in to the mental disconnect, giving in to the lie. Letting the lie win. I told him how I in the past would have done that for sure.
But me standing here today and for the last few years now is able to truly walk face on into that lie to make it reveal itself for what it is: A. BIG. FAT. UGLY. LIE!
I think how I have been able to truly walk with this freedom: is because of my relationship with God. I have grown sooo in love with HIM…..especially this last year…..that I am able to see how HE sees me….and HE is soooo beautiful…..ah that means: I AM SO BEAUTIFUL.
God is so good!
How do you see yourself?
How do you see God?
How do you think God sees you?
Do you see what He sees: pure beauty?! I hope so!!
‘Til next post…
Many blessings and hugs always!