Last week I took a break from writing my book. Why? Because the next chapter is hard…it needed more reflection…it needed me digging deep into how to express the shame that surrounds the topic.
So many of us fall victim of being exposed to pornography at a very young age and then finding ourselves going to it even when we know it’s wrong. Each person who has fallen to it have a different story of why…..but there is a root of hurt, pain, trauma, insecurity…..and so much more!
What so many of us don’t realize is this is not just a mans problem……women who fall victim to it whether full out addiction of months or years, or those who are victims of continual exposure….well these women are hurting, comparing, and trying to figure out why?!
But the enemy gets to win and has us live in shame when we stay quiet and keep our sin in the dark. So here I share with you the next chapter of the book, addressing how I was first exposed to it and why I continued to go to it from time to time in my life.
BROTHERS FRIEND: PERFECT PORN
I was about 8 or 9 years old hanging out with my about 6 or 7 year old brother and his best friend at the time. We were at this friend’s house. I heard the boys laugh and have a strange look on their face as they came out of the bathroom. I needed to go the restroom anyways so I went in. There was the typical things you find in every bathroom including a magazine basket/rack. Well I quickly realized what had them looking all weird. There were several magazines in there with women wearing, well nothing. It was my first time of being introduced to porn. Of even knowing that there was even such a thing.
I found myself feeling drawn and compelled to continue to flip through the magazine even though I was done going pee. I knew I shouldn’t be looking at it but I was morbidly curious of trying to figure out why these women were naked for all to see. And then it started to feed the distorted lie in my mind from my previous experience of being touched and looked at by my friend’s brother as if I wasn’t a person. And here there was confirmation that I wasn’t a person to be respected but a person to be looked at and used. And thus began my belief that I had to look like these women to be truly loved.
This wasn’t my only exposer. As I got older most of my brother’s friends fathers had these magazines. There were some more intense and graphic than others. I always found myself feeling morbidly and shamefully drawn to them. I didn’t, but I did want to look at them. Why, you might ask? Why on earth would a girl want to look at other women? Well: to compare and to judge!
All the while destroying my self-esteem even more. It started to form in my mind that I must look a certain way to have any respect. When I looked in the mirror I started to look at myself and compare what I saw from the pictures. I also had other women in my life that didn’t have great body image health and that fed into me developing the body dysmorphia.
I struggled for years with going on and off to porn. Why? Again to judge and compare and feel even less about myself.
I had many boyfriends who even wanted to look at these magazines with me. They rationalized it was art. I allowed myself to be put into this situation of being used and abused and objectified.
When the internet became accessible in my late teens, early twenties, I would find myself doing searches when I felt my lowest about myself. I was able to recognize quickly that when my dysmorphia was at its worst is when I was most vulnerable to be willing to look at porn in order to make myself feel even less about myself.
How did I break this cycle? I met the man I was to marry. He cherished me in the right way. He respected me. He never made me feel unloved or like I was an object. Then I discovered when he was with the guys, he would do what guys would do, look at these things. And I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the idea that I was going to have to try to live up to what he saw in a magazine. I let him know it didn’t make me feel cherished. That was all it took for him.
Then it dawned on me….I wasn’t making my own self feel cherished by looking at these same magazines and comparing myself. I was not honoring my own self.
This brings us to the oils that can support you during this journey of healing and hope. What has been your experience and exposure to porn!? Have you experienced a similar situation, whether at a young age, older, once, twice, over the course of years, you too need healing and hope in this area? Because this is trauma. It is trauma to your entire senses. It is trauma to be exposed to the distortion of the beauty of our bodies.
Oil Blend: Forgive, Slim & Sassy, Cypress:
Forgive is the renewing blend. Do you find yourself being critical of yourself? With Forgive we are able to realize we deserve to be compassionate not only to others but to ourselves. For the longest time I couldn’t forgive myself for falling into the lie that porn delivers to us: body freedom. I needed to realize that judging and comparing myself was keeping me locked into anger and cynicism.
Slim & Sassy is about inner beauty. I had to find self-acceptance. I needed to learn how to truly embrace my body’s individual beauty. I needed to quit criticizing and comparing myself. I needed to find my worth and know that I was truly beautifully and wonderfully made.
Cypress is about Motion and Flow. So many of us view the women in magazines (porn or other magazines) and expect ourselves to be “perfect”. We judge ourselves that is the way we are supposed to look. We fear we are not good enough, pretty enough. We get stuck in believing these lies. We must become open to trust that we are loved for us, not our body. When we flex our limiting beliefs we are able to adapt and flow into the growth of how beautiful we are without the airbrush.
Slim & Sassy is the only one that is great for internal use, but in this situation it is even better with topical and aromatic use. Cypress and Forgive are topical and aromatic oils.
Layer these oils on the creases of your elbow and the back of your neck. Put Cypress first to start the flow of renewal of inner beauty. Layer forgive next and then Slim & Sassy.
In a diffuser use 5 drops of each.
One final thought before we end in prayer. You can also use tapping (EFT) as a way to help release the emotions of the traumas. Use tapping in mediation, in prayer, or even on the go. It is a powerful tool God has given to us to support us on this healing journey of hope!
Let’s end this chapter with prayer:
Heavenly Father…every time I look at billboards, magazines, and movies help me to guard my eyes and not compare. Help me to not feel drawn to seek out looking at the distortions of our beauty through porn found in movies, magazines, websites, or even books (romance books especially!).
I continue to thank you Lord for being there always for me, for sending me your Son to remind me how beautifully wonderfully made I am. I ask you to shield my eyes and my heart to not seek out these distortions to compare and judge myself.
Dear guardian angel, I beg you to be by my side, for Saint Michael to continue to protect me from the snares of the enemy, and for our most precious blessed Mother to wrap me in her mantle to make me invisible to the enemy. In Jesus’ most precious body and blood I am strengthened and set free each and every day…..AMEN!
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