Isn’t it interesting how when you are working on things…either you have greater revelations or the enemy tries to come down on you! Anymore when I find myself procrastinating about something I know it’s the enemy not wanting truth out there. And when I am wrestling with something it is because I feel God’s prompting but I am trying to do it my way…..lol….
This last week was full of amazing graces and gifts….I had some amazing aha moments about business, family, faith, healing….so much.
I was visiting with a dear friend just yesterday and today about how sometimes when a person doesn’t deal with their emotions on something it is because they don’t want to address the emotions because it means they will have to feel those emotions. And when you think you have already gone through something you don’t want to go through it again.
I have found that in order for me to be truly transparent and authentic with my sharing about this healing and hope through my sexual past of abuses and choices I had to be willing to truly put myself back into that place. To relive it. And that’s not fun.
It’s especially not fun for my poor husband, because that means I will be struggling with wanting to be warm and receptive to him. But…..because of God’s amazing love, Jesus’s amazing mercy, and the Holy Spirits guiding hand I am able to see and understand I don’t have to separate and distance myself. I can feel all I need to in order to share the fullness with you and still feel all the amazing love I have for myself and my husband….and truly celebrate how far I have come on this journey!
So with that being said….here is the next chapter of this amazing journey of healing and hope :)….
My you be blessed beyond measure….and find amazing hope and healing in your own journey….
SWIMMING WITH SHAME & ANGER:
Do you have moments in your life that are so clear to your mind’s eye? Moments where the background stuff is fuzzy, blurry, but other details within the same moment are crystal clear, and even seem in slow motion. That is this memory.
This memory has ALWAYS had those distortions. And with those distortions the enemy used it to start twisting my feelings of self-worth.
I remember it was summer, I was eight years old, and there were about 6 of us girls. I can see the house. It was a friend who lived in town but on the outskirts of town because they had open fields around them. Her aunt who was her same age lived right next door. I remember thinking how super cool to have family right next door to you, to go to anytime. I also thought it was kind of neat that her aunt was her same age. I remember the layout of the house as us girls walked through the house: the living room, through the kitchen, to the den to get to the back yard where the above ground swimming pool was at.
I don’t remember why we were all together that hot summer afternoon. Was it after bible camp? Were we all just together just because? Who knows!? I do remember this young girls older, teen brother, was home. As all of us came running into the house giggling and excited that we were going to change to play in the pool, he was there. I don’t remember why and how he was able to convince us girls we needed help with our bathing suits, but he did and this is where the memories become razor sharp in some areas, slow motion in others, and blurry in the distance.
I remember being in the den my back to this tall young man, the sister off to the front of me as she is grabbing her towel and stuff and giggling with her aunt who is dropping things and grabbing things. The other 3 girls were already out in the backyard. I look out to the side and I see laughter and brightness, but it feels so dark and cold in this room. I remember his hands taking forever to tie the strap at my neck and how his hands just lingered on my neck and back. I don’t remember if I also had a clasp but I do remember his hands going down my back almost to my waist.
I honestly do not know what or why within me knew it was wrong, that his touch wasn’t a touch of innocence or of helpfulness, but of lust, yet I knew it wasn’t an innocent touch. Years later during a Splankna session with my dear friend Jennifer I was able to discover that this was probably when one of my first unholy vows that was made.
You might ask: how can an eight year old possible make an unholy vow? The unconscienced mind does many things to protect us. What I do know is in that moment my innocence was stolen, it was forever altered. My subconscious stored the fact that there are ways we are looked at and touched that are not holy; that can make us feel uncomfortable. Ways that are full of lust and not love. And that we have a choice of speaking up and speaking truth against the distortion, the wrong or we have a choice to remain silent, to shush the prickling gut sensation that is shouting THIS IS WRONG.
But I was eight!!! And understanding fight, flight, and freeze wasn’t even remotely in my vocabulary of understanding yet.
So what unholy vow did I make? What did I learn in my Splankna session many years later?
I learned I vowed that no one I loved would EVER feel this way, used and looked at as an object. And when he slowly turned me around to adjust my straps and to make sure everything was snuggly in place I looked up at him and I saw pure anger and rage. And that is when I took on his emotions of anger and rage, as well as the transfer emotions of my moms of shame and pain.
Remember we are all connected. And within that moment all that my spirit and body already knew about my mom, but my brain did not, was absorbed thus my vow was sealed, and I didn’t even know it.
I remember clearly during that Splankna session the realization of having taken on my mom’s pain and shame; and the anger and disgust my spirit saw in that boy. I was able to realize, as an adult, his anger and disgust was directed at me and himself. His inner core was angry at robbing this young girl of her innocence and creating confusion for the satisfaction of his lust to just have a touch.
I also remember during that session how amazingly freeing it was to have the root revealed. Free to release the emotions I had experienced and didn’t understand for so many years. The freedom to understand that I had taken on the emotions of others with my spirit and body. I had believed the enemies lie that it was my burden to bare and if I NEVER wanted someone I loved to feel the same confusion, shame, pain, and anger I would keep my mouth shut.
This was the beginning of what would become 20 years of more exposures like this but so much worse. I had no idea what my body and spirit was going to be going through over the course of 20 years, all I did know was: I wasn’t the same. Yet, at 8 years old I knew something wasn’t right.
This was, also, probably the beginning of when I developed dysmorphia. Dysmorphia is a brain disconnect of how we view and see ourselves in the mirror. Dysmorphia is not just a girl wanting and wishing she looks different. But a true disconnect in the brain from what is viewed in the mirror. There are many triggers. The 3 main ones are: 1. a trauma, usually sexual, that takes place at a young age, 2. A mother or female influence in your life that has a dislike/distorted view of their body, and 3. A chemical imbalance of specific hormones that don’t feed the brain the right messages. I have all three of these triggers. Which of the 3 came first I do not know, but I do know it is a continual blessing for me to look myself each day in the mirror and renounce the lie the enemy tries to throw out at me. I have the honor to look myself in the mirror and see past the lies to the truth that God has planted there: I am enough! I am beautifully wonderfully made.
This brings us to the oils that can support you during this journey of healing and hope. If you have experienced a similar situation, whether at a young age, older, once, twice, over the course of years, you too need healing and hope through your sexual trauma. Because this is trauma. It is trauma to your entire senses. It is trauma to know something isn’t right and yet feeling you have no control, no power, to do anything about it.
Oil Blend: Grapefruit, Cilantro, Fennel
Grapefruit is the oil of honoring one’s body. When a person who has been abused, especially a girl, her view of her body is forever distorted. She doesn’t look at her body the same again. It is distorted by the lens of the lust that was projected on her. She starts judging her body and blaming it for betraying her. Grapefruit comes in and encourages her to not be cruel to her body through extreme exercising, dieting, and distortions of the truth.
Cilantro is the oil of releasing control. When we make unholy vows we are saying extremes like: NEVER, EVER, and that’s the window for the enemy to play, because I has us become obsessed or attached to patterns or toxic thinking. We don’t release the trauma that has been buried deep into our mind, body, heart, soul. Cilantro releases our mental strain to bring to the light our true self. We are able to shed the trap of the lies the enemy has been whispering into our ears.
Fennel is the oil of responsibility. Abuse and trauma is NEVER the fault of the victim, the receiver, but we do have responsibility of how it dictates our life. We can become disconnected to our natural signals. Weakened sense of self and a lack of passion for life. Fennel reminds us to not go to food to numb the pain, or to go to extremes, such as, eating disorders to “disappear” because we want to hide in shame.
These oils are all great for internal (I only advocate internal use with doTERRA oils), topically, and aromatically.
Each of these are great in water or culinary dishes. A drop of Grapefruit and Fennel make a wonderful refreshing water. A drop of Cilantro is great in guacamole or in a salad dressing.
Place one drop of each in your palm with some fractionated coconut oil. Rub together cup your hands together, bring to your nose and inhale a deep breath. Experience the scents together. Feel them enter into your cells, your mind, and your spirit. Do this 3 times. I always like putting the remainder of the oils on the bottom of my feet and on any body part I feel is holding onto negative emotions that day. Usually I know this by what body part I feel drawn to rub the oils on. Examples would be my adrenals, my heart, my thyroid and even my breasts.
In a diffuser use one drop of Cilantro, 5 of Grapefruit, 1-3 of Fennel.
One final thought before we end in prayer. You can also use tapping (EFT) as a way to help release the emotions of the traumas. Use tapping in mediation, in prayer, or even on the go. It is a powerful tool God has given to us to support us on this healing journey of hope!
Let’s end this chapter with prayer:
Heavenly Father…every time someone in my past has looked at me or touched me in lust rather than love…..I release them from my pain, my hurt, my anger. By releasing them I am opening myself up to greater healing….I am opening myself up to release the trauma that has been buried with in my very soul. Through opening myself up to forgiveness I am reconnecting myself to be passionate about life. I am taking responsibility of NOT let this trauma, abuse, experience to dictate my take and love of life.
I continue to thank you Lord for being there always for me, for sending me your Son to remind me how beautifully wonderfully made I am. And when I look into the mirror and only see the lies the enemy tries to sell me, I thank you for the Holy Spirit’s constant vigilance in encouraging me and revealing the truth to me.
I end this prayer with asking my guardian angel to be by my side, for Saint Michael to continue to protect me from the snares of the enemy, and for our most precious blessed Mother to wrap me in her mantle to make me invisible to the enemy. In Jesus’ most precious body and blood I am strengthened and set free each and every day…..AMEN!
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