WALK THE WALK FOLLOW UP!

I had every intention to just write out my Spartan goals and plans to share with everyone who would like to join me in this challenge.  Whether you join me physically or would just like to follow my plan to become Spartan ready.  BUT…

Today, as I walked for Life…for Love…for my faith…my family…it allowed me to reflect on many things.  One of the thoughts was definately about how our fitness, our health, is and should be so intwined with our faith.  Heck it had me reflecting on how I would love to do “The Way” walk….talk about a challenge!

As I was reflecting and praying during Mass after communion, I became emotional, and then again as the details were being laid out for the walk I became emotional.  I knew why.  I knew it was because for me each and every January from now on will not just be because I am standing up and giving a voice for all the unborn, the unknown….but because I KNOW intimately one of those unborn.

Four years ago during a very cold January I discovered I was pregnant and couldn’t believe it.  The excitement, then the fear, then all the other emotions that came with it, were short lived because twelve weeks later there was no heart beat.  For me, every January the Walk for Life: Mass, walk, and rosary will be very personal.

Each year I have the opportunity to celebrate the beautiful life that had been growing inside of me.  I  have the opportunity to continue to heal and grow from that loss.  Each year I recieve the opportunity to peel away a different layer of the healing.

The first year the healing was just for the loss of who I would never hold.

The next year it was for the loss of never physically carrying a child in my womb again.

Last year was for the loss and of truly forgiving myself.   You see my heart had not been open to being pregnant.  Even though I had struggled for years to have our daughter.  And then to even try to concieve again.  But….I had become “use” to the fact that we would never be pregnant again.  Thus, when we had found out we were pregnant I was not at a place in my life  I felt I could handle it.  I wasn’t open to the beautiful life growing inside of me.  I felt shame, guilt, and terror for all that I was feeling.  After all, I have always made it loud and clear how pro-life I was and am.  Yet, here I was wanting my will to be imposed and not God’s when I was pregnant.   I struggled with the 12 weeks of trying to figure out what next….when I went into that 12 week appointment and there was no heart beat, I felt numb.  Then tremendous guilt.

Therefore this years tears were for healing and realization of having truly forgiven myself for feeling any responsibility of the miscarriage. Tears were shed in joy and a promise to only live in Gods will no matter the sacrifice.  Because His will is the only way to true Joy and Happiness.  And tears because I had truly forgiven myself and loved myself again.  Tears because I knew because of that pain, because of that shame, I would never ever take any single life for granted ever ever again.
Tears of true freedom.

We all can get set in our ways.  We all can have moments of going through the motions.  We all can be pushy with our will.  BUT….thank GOD for his grace, HIS mercy, HIS love….

Thus ironically how this may not make sense to some reading this….but I realized any challenge, bio-hack, personal goals (Mind, Body, and or Soul)…..MUST be only with God’s will in mind, not my schedule…my agenda….my obsessions….ONLY HIS.

It doesn’t matter if others may think I am weird or out there because HE knows my heart.  Only HE knows what I do, I do with HIM at the head and heart of it all!

I finally not only feel truly free of guilt and shame….I not only have forgiven myself….I not only love myself….I also do not compare…..I do not compare myself to others….I do not compare myself to myself of past…I KNOW I AM AN AMAZING BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO IS CONTINUALLY GROWING, CHANGING, LEARNING, EXPERIENCING…I feel tru freedom of the type of detachment that HE asks of us!!!

It is okay to have done something for many years and feel called into a different direction….it is okay to do something for a short period of time and realize it is not the right fit…it is okay to put things on hold to meet other needs…it is okay to want to have one physical goal one year and a different one the next…it is okay to learn something about nutrition one year and shift goals and focuses the next….it is okay to think I am going to teach my daughter one curriculum one year and totally bag it for a different one the next….and it is totally okay to love the skin that I am in because HE made me….and HE is counting on me to love me….so I can love HIM….so I can teach my daughter how to LOVE!!!

AND THAT IS WHAT I AM HERE FOR……

I am here to create a fabulous ripple of life and love for her….not by just my words but by my WALK!!!

I AM AND I WILL WALK THE WALK FOR HER!

I hope this helps even one person out there struggling with shame, guilt, confusion, lack of self-love.  It is for you I write and share this.  It is for you that I allow myself to be vulnerable and a book for all to read!

And it is because of HIS WILL that I find the courage to do all HE asks of me.

Blessings and hugs to all of you!
~Kelly 🙂

Mind Body and Soul of 10 pounds!

Snack break:

cut zucchini in rounds about 1/3 inch thick, spoon some pizza sauce, sprinkle with an aged, organic, grass fed cheese, season with salt, garlic, onion powder, basil, oregano…broil in oven at 425 for about 10 minutes or until brown bubbles :)….
Okay on to the “meat” of the post:
I felt challenged this summer when Jason Seib suggested that if I was one of his clients he would put 10-20 pounds of muscle on me.  I personally was at a good place with loving myself, loving life, and not taking it personal when a person thinks I am too….anything….
I really wasn’t at a place of wanting to invest a bunch of money and time into weights or gym membership or even geeking in the science of making it happen without becoming obsessed to ensure I truly put on only muscle and not any excess fat.  I basically didn’t want to become a  gym rat.  Been there, done that, didn’t want to go back to it!
But…I did know soooo much more about nutrition than in the past….I did understand the concept of shorter/harder workouts for bigger, better, lasting results.  I also understand the science of “building muscle” doesn’t mean bulky.  IT means getting, stronger, leaner, more powerful.  BUT….it can be painful.  I really don’t like getting sore.
Thus I didn’t set out to do this challenge, but I figured I was back up to having healthy, healed joints.  My bone density back up from the previous summer.  The more the challenge spun in my head the more I found myself wanting to see if it was possible with body weight, a few kettlebells, and a few hand dumbbells.  Before I knew it, I was committing myself to kettlebell workouts, Metabolic workouts, lots of pull ups, lots of deep squats, lots of multi-muscle routines.
Result…I did it!  I put on 10 solid pounds of muscle with no sacrifice of gaining body fat.  I learned what the term skinny fat really means.  A person can have body fat that doesn’t show on the outside but can have lots of fat and gunk surrounding the organs and internal stuff….that’s not good.   The fat we may see on a healthy person, that is on the outer layer or mixed with our muscles is much healthier.
There is a dark side to building muscle.   Actually it is all in the perspective and the desired goal and look a person may have….as a woman seeing the body fat in a different way can gunk up the mind about what looks “healthy”……(more on this in a future posting!)  This has not been an issue for me for quite some time.  I have truly internalized how we are all uniquely made. Our bodies are complex creations that the visual result is a combination of genes, nutrition, hard work….and LOVE!!!!   The whole buzz term recently of looking good naked for me isn’t about the ascetics as much as it is about the heart!  When I walk by a mirror naked do I cringe or do I see the amazing being God created me to be….to be naked without shame!
What I really found as the only draw back is that carrying ten extra pounds for running is harder.  Let me explain….I am only five foot, one inch….thus even five extra pounds can feel heavier when running…now add ten pounds and it can feel like mud during some of my runs.  I am discerning if I want to try to “burn” off some of the muscle?  Is running really that important to me?  After all I get a great rush and feel really strong with my sprints….it is just the longer distance runs that are not as fun right now cause I can definitely feel it in my joints.
I have found I need to figure out how to strike a balance between the best of both worlds…being able to move boulders and run like a gazelle….so maybe the balance is be like a cheetah?!  
I will reflect on this and think about what next physical challenge I want to give myself for 2015….I think being a cheetah would be pretty cool!!  
BUT….most important for me is as I am passionate about taking care of my physical health…..I MUST also take care of my mental and spiritual health….because it is a dance with the three…it is a melding of the three when we take that out of context and don’t see the value of all three and how we are made then that is when we become imbalanced…when we become obsessed…when we don’t find love and happiness in our everyday challenges and goals.
What type of animal would you compare yourself to physically and why?  I would love to hear about it.  Leave a comment below.
Hugs and prayers always,
~Kelly 🙂

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