Friday’s Forgiveness: Broken…Mirrors…Shattered…Image…

My miscarriage three years ago…

Was the beginning of God doing  amazing work on me as a woman.  He was peeling the next level of my onion to grow deeper and more in love with Him.

It hasn’t been easy. The road has been rough. I have learned much and have gained great amazing strength and even greater joy and love for it…that I can’t help but say…

I am able to see how the last three years He has worked in my life.  Having me heal through other past pains.  the biggest thing He taught me from this is to forgive.  Not just others and  situations, but… MYSELF.

I’ve talked and shared how we need to love ourselves but sometimes the reason we’re not loving ourselves is it because we haven’t forgiven ourselves for something.  There are times the forgiveness is legit but sometimes it is us being too hard on ourselves or holding ourselves to a standard or unrealistic expectation.  And sometimes it is because we have many things and messages telling us we are not worthy or not measuring up. These messages are all jumbled up in our minds and souls.

FORGIVENESS…it is beautiful.  FREEING….and painful!  It means I have to admit I am not perfect.

forgiveness to me means realizing it is not my fault I have experienced dark circumstances in my life.
forgiveness means it is not my fault I had a miscarriage.
forgiveness means it is not my fault I have had infertility issues and hormonal problems for over 20 years.
forgiveness means it is not my fault all my health and infertility issues lead me to my hysterectomy 2 years ago.
forgiveness means my lack of fertility or inability to bear any more children does not mean I am any less of a woman.
Forgiveness means I can realize I am still feminine.

Forgiveness means realizing if Christ sacrificed on the cross for me and my sins who am I to be so arrogant to not forgive myself.

Thus I reflect, repent, release.

It is interesting because I recently realized last summers obsession with running and challenging myself physically was probably related to my still mourning the loss of my fertility.  The feeling I am less of a woman because of the hysterectomy.

Thus by breaking down my body and pushing it to extremes was some sort of unconscious punishment and or avoidance of my feelings.

But now….and reflecting on this beautiful GOOD FRIDAY…

 I say:  GOODBYE to any and all unforgiveness!
And HELLO to my Redeemer and all the experiences and the growth I gain.

Why is all of this important!?

I firmly believe our feelings, femininity, fashion, and faith are all intertwined and the more we as women are able to acknowledge and grow in our faith….the more we are able to respect our femininity; which leads us to be aware of fashion/modesty.  Thus respecting and loving ourselves even more.

Forgiving ourselves allows us to remember we are a child of God.
we are valuable!
we are NOT an object to be oogled over.

Again I ask…
Why is all this important?  Even relevant or related?

Because the more we are willing to always grow…learn…love….the greater example we can be to our daughters….the women in our lives…the women who see us from afar!

I love the 2 most recent interviews I’ve listened to on some podcasts.  The host on one was giving great advice and mentioned how he shares what he does not just for the listeners to learn but for himself.  Because life is continual learning.  That just because we may know something doesn’t mean we don’t still fall victim to some of what we may struggle with from time to time.

And in another interview this woman gives some great advice about loving oneself for who we are right now.  And how she even still struggles with it from time to time especially when she puts stresses on herself.

Thus that sums up my glorious journey  (most recently anyways!)

When I lost Sam 3 years ago something got broken inside of me.
I didn’t give up on God.
I didn’t stop loving Him.
I didn’t blame Him.
Instead I transfered all that to myself.

The previous year I had learned new amazing things about my health and was feeling my best through whole food eating.  And years before that I had learned to love myself no matter what!   My mental state of mind was in excellent shape! Thus when my physical health became even better it was just icing on the cake to me.

Then I lose Sam.  I felt like the last 18 years of spiritual, mental, and physical growth in confidence, in love was shattered.
I blamed myself.
I felt unlovable.
And my self-worth felt shot.
I wanted to say the heck with all this hard work of having a healthy love of self: mind, body, and soul.

Instead, I found the last 3 years made me grow even more in love with God.

Year one was about my faith.  Truly finding joy in all circumstances.  Faith to grow with others and share my life in an open book way; a way I have never really been comfortable to do in the past.

Year two was about hope.  My hope to do right by God as the decision was made to have the hysterectomy.  Hope to not feel like a failure.  Hope to heal.

Year three was about LOVE.
Rediscovering a true and even deeper love of self through and for God. A deeper love for life. A deeper love for my God.

Love so full…
so encompassing…
so passionate…
so surrounding…
that it is intoxicating…
It is complete…
 it is…
 love: agape.

Ah….GOOD FRIDAY….today when I hear the Dela Rosa….when I walk up the aisle to kiss the cross, I will FEEL….I will know this is the kind of love Jesus was asking of from Peter when he questioned him three times.  This is a full kind of love…a full, encompassing kind of love!

I not only feel his forgiveness, I believe it, I live it!

I pray you, too, can walk to the cross with head held high, full of forgiveness and love for self.

After all:  THAT IS WHY WE HAVE TODAY!

DARKNESS BRINGS US LIGHT!

My love and prayers for each and everyone of you….known, unknown!

You are ALL beautiful, amazing creatures made in the likeness and image of HIM!

blessings,
~K 🙂

The Power of Peace

I feel  passionate about how amazing life is…and wonder why we, simple, silly humans try to complicate it!
I was reflecting earlier today as I was thinking about how excited I get for friends who have accomplished amazing goals.  It doesn’t matter whether they are career, health, spiritual….any goal…any achievement is worth celebrating!
It then further had me pondering on how some may view a failure as a goal not accomplished, not finished, or not pursued.  I view it different.
Some great examples for me in my life are:
I pursued becoming a fertility practitioner over 10 years ago.  I studied through Creighton, became certified, and even had clients.  I did that for about 2 years.  I know with my whole heart and soul the reason God led me on that path was so I could better understand my own broken fertility.  So I could learn how to better take care of my fertility, to have a greater respect and appreciation for my fertility.  Thus, for me it was not time wasted.  It was time well invested.  
I worked for our state child protective services for the shortest 6 months.  I really thought it was a career path I wanted to take.  After all I had waited years to work even remotely in my field of study.  I could have stayed with it.  I could have been willing to sacrifice many other dreams, wants, desires.  Instead I realized:  no, I am not going to stay with this because for me it would mean sacrificing raising a family.  A family that I realized, because of that job, was more important than any career could ever mean to me. 
 I realized I desired to be a stay at home wife and mother more.  I learned through working with all those families in that short period of time how very important it is to be there for your family, your children.  They need us to make sacrifices.
In the most recent few years, I even thought I would pursue sales of a really great supplement that is multi-faceted.  I am not a sales person.  Have never felt compelled to be one.  And it takes quite a bit for me to be won over to want to sell something. I felt drawn and impressed with this product.  In the end, I realized God led me on that path to actually have me grow further in my knowledge about my health as I pursue and live my paleo life!
 I learned and realized I have a different role.  And I love my role.  I can help those who do sell. I am great at research….continual learning and growing about health.  Thus, being able to share with my friends who either do sell or who just want to live healthier lives, I can be a resource to help them grow in their knowledge of health with or without supplements, with or without certain foods. Sharing the benefits of all, some or nothing.   As well as help others know when and if they should take certain things.  
He taught me how to really look at everything I put into my body.  Because after all I am a temple that HE has trusted me to take care of.
I walked away from 2 years of campus ministry because I knew God was telling me it was time to pull away, again, from ministry; that, I had fulfilled His purpose for my being there for 2 years.  If I stayed it would be for me not HIM!
There have been so many similar examples through out the years.  Times that I started something….feeling beyond passionate about it.  Convinced in my heart that I should pursue something, then feeling a tap on my shoulder from above pulling me back.  Reminding me HE is in charge.  Reminding me that just because HE had me pursue something, or learn something, doesn’t mean it was for the direction I thought I was suppose to take it but rather to follow HIS lead!
Peace….true beautiful peace.   That is what I have learned through all these pursuits that may be viewed as a “failure” or “incomplete” or “unaccomplished” or “flaky”…
Instead I feel great accomplishments….
I see growth…
I obtained wisdom….
I grew in knowledge…
I live in the beautiful power of PEACE!
Peace that HE has a plan for every and all pursuits and goals.  We just have to trust that what we may view as a set back or failure…..could very well be a WIN in HIS court! 🙂
Blessings to all of you!
~K 🙂

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