I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
Creator of Heaven and earth;
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son Our Lord,
Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended into Hell; the third day He rose again from the dead;
He ascended into Heaven, and sitteth at the right hand of God, the Father almighty; from thence He shall come to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body and life everlasting.
The Apostle’s creed is one of the many prayers that reminds me how beautiful I am! Today we celebrate the Ascension of Christ into Heaven. As you have any struggles in your life lean on this amazing prayer to remind you that Christ did all He did for us so we too can ascend from the depths of our own sins, fears, weaknesses….and so much more!
Thus I wanted to follow up from last weeks posting about Dysmorphic Disorder. I wanted to share with all of you why I am so passionate about it!
Dysmorphic Disorder is one of the many things that have molded me to be the WARRIOR WOMAN I am today!
Growing up I always knew my minds eye about my body wasn’t quite right but I trusted and had faith that what I “saw” was not true. I trusted that God doesn’t make junk. but….it hasn’t always been easy. Even with a great faith and great trust and belief…I still would have moments.
And still do from time to time…the difference is now being 41….the moments are so far and few in-between than what they were when I was 13…15…17….21….25….30….
How have I survived it?
I trust…I constantly rely on my faith.
I constantly am digging into my faith and growth to make my armor that much stronger.
So what does it feel like for a person with dysmorphic disorder?
This is what it always has felt like for me….like I mentioned in previous post every person who has this has a different degree. I am blessed and fortunate to not have it so severe that it prevents me from wanting to live life to its fullest. But it does have is beautifully blessed challenges.
I have always chosen to see the blessing behind it rather than the burden. I believe it is how I have grown stronger in my faith. It is truly a huge reason why I committed to never ever speaking negatively about myself or even think negative thoughts about self with having a daughter. Especially with knowing it is something we can pass on.
Always being objectified has formed me to be who I am. And I am grateful for it because it has made me committed to teaching young girls to be strong…love themselves…to guard themselves…to learn about the true freedom of chastity and modestly….and the beautiful freedom we obtain when we learn theology of the body.
What does dysmorphia look like for me:
Knowing that I am beautiful…I am healthy…yet having moments of not feeling just right.
Moments come on even stronger when someone gives my body attention that I find especially objectifying rather than being looked as a daughter of Christ. There is a difference between a chaste compliment and feeling like a porter steak.
I remember when I was in the military not enjoying the attention my curves would attract. I lived in an area that the curvier you were the better. Women could truly feel comfortable in their own skin yet the attention made me want to have the least amount of curves possible.
I actually never felt uncomfortable in my skin when I was really having problems with my hormones (my pcos) and I was at my heaviest. When I looked in the mirror I saw a daughter of Christ. But I also know that I had 7 solid years of strengthening my spiritual armor and living a true love of self for my beautiful little growing girl.
Then I figured out some health stuff through a spiritual journey
and lost 30-32 pounds. I started to receive lots of attention for it that made me very uncomfortable. Yet I still felt strong in my faith. I still felt strong in my self worth and body image.
Then I had my miscarriage. Between healing from that mentally physically, spiritually I started to throw myself into my passion of research and biohacking my health, nutritionally and physically. (More on biohacking in the future). The problem is as I got excited about each biohack and personal challenge the more I wasn’t guarding my self love as well. I found myself starting to compare again and find value in the mirror and scale. I pushed myself hard on my runs because it was a great mental and spiritual escape to heal from my loss. But it was also an easy way for me to unconsciously want to widdle away to nothing… to become that hanger for clothing.
As people would comment about how thin I was the more self conscious I became. The more I wanted not be noticed. After my hysterectomy I probably pushed myself my hardest because after all if I couldn’t have any more children what did it matter what I looked like. I became so lean that I could have been in some of those competitions Maddy Moon did and talks about….but it wasn’t what my body wanted to naturally be. I may have looked “good”…but I wasn’t healthy…Mind, Body, or Soul!!!
The stresses of the last 5 years are what led me on my journey of adrenal fatigue
and on this… journey of being even stronger mind body and soul than I ever have been in my life.
When I started doing exercises body weight training to specifically start rebuilding my bone density and muscle growth/strength I would have moments of not liking what I was seeing. After all I got use to an unrealistic 97 pounds for my body. I was born to lift heavy. I was born to be strong. I was born to be me…I was born to love myself in all sizes all shapes…all seasons of life.
This is where GIRLS GONE STRONG has been amazing for me! Reminding me how beautiful we all are. Reminding me to walk the walk I talk!
So what does my dysmorphic look like for me today at 41?
I look in the mirror and smile! I ignore whatever chemical imbalance is trying to lie to me…If a negative image is conjured from a past hurt or comment I say I forgive and pray the Lord’s Prayer with great compassion….
I think age and my spiritual life has given me a great gift to realize and know I am more than the sum on that scale or that distorted clown mirror that sometimes likes to rear its ugly head! I am more!!!
With adrenal fatigue I have had to really learn how to nurture and love myself even more. I have had to really tap into understanding that my mind body soul health is more important than looking as ripped as I possibly can. That I am judging myself when no one else around me is. It is truly in my head and I have let it go.
As my beautiful daughter is budding into a young lady I am so grateful for God and His continual work on me.
He shows me how to grow, learn, and heal.
Therefore giving me the opportunity to be the best example to my daughter of what it means to be a wonderful warrior woman.
ARMOR YOUR DYNAMIC DAUGHTER WITH FAITH, HOPE, AND LOVE….TO FEED HER MIND, BODY, AND SOUL….TO BECOME THE WONDERFUL WARRIOR WOMAN….SHE IS DESTINED TO BE!
hugs, prayers, and lots of blessings,