Numb…anger…sorrow!

Raw and real moment!

I have been tapping more the last 3 days than I probably average in 30 days!

My father passed away on Tuesday morning….and the emotions I have experienced have been extreme and everywhere.

I was on my way to see him on Sunday but while traveling I received a call that he was in the heart hospital to have some tests done.

He has a history of heart stuff and multiple stints so no surprise other than knowing that if he was doing this on a Sunday he definitely wasn’t feeling well.

The first emotion I had was frustration. I had not seen my father in over a year and due to the protocols with hospitals right now I was not going to be allowed to go in and see him.

Monday they determined he needed another stint. They did the procedure and the thought was he would be able to come home that evening….buuut…..there was more bleeding than expected from the spot.

So second major emotion….anger that he had to be in a hospital alone….he is a social person…he thrives on others spending time with him! His top love languages were time and touch.

They decided to keep him another night. Now none of this stopped me from being creative to see him.

I had a care package delivered to his room and arranged with the floor nurse to open his window so we could sing to him and cheer him up. It was so much fun and I’m so grateful to have had that as his last moments with us.

Tuesday morning THE call came early…..my mom comes out to the kitchen as I was making my coffee…..she hands me the phone and says she doesn’t know what to do.

The nurse on the other end is explaining to me that they are giving him CPR but if they stop his heart will stop what does my mom want to do.

I tell her I will call her back as I talk to my mom….knowing that it won’t come to that cause sure enough the nurse calls back within in minutes and let’s me know that they had to call the time of death.

Next emotion…numb…I didn’t truly have time to truly feel anything cause my mom needed me. My time would have to wait. So I tapped some more.

Tuesday night as I got ready for bed….deep sorrow….gut wrenching sobs….but I only allowed some to come…..why?! Cause I knew if I lost it right then I didn’t know if I would return….

It was a choice to pause the sorrow….right or wrong….it was a choice I made…..

Wednesday was about processing…being with family….and trying super hard to stay present in the moment so I could truly feel all the emotions and not stuff them away….

I know it hasn’t truly fully hit me…..

But today we meet with the Funeral Home….we find out when we can actually have the funeral and then coordinate it with the church and due to again all the protocols that have been put into place due to this last year…..we are stuck with anger….

Anger that his last days were in-humane…..anger that his family and friends won’t get to have the closer they deserve….anger that he died alone without family!

So I tap…..and I find the gratitude of the having had 46 years with him….gratitude that he was the gentle soul he was….and gratitude that we did have some amazing memories.

So this next year will probably look different how I blog, post on social media, and even how I coach…..because I know if I’m willing to share with you in the moment what I’m experiencing maybe just maybe I will be able to help someone else who is going through something similar or who is still trying to process the emotions of losing a loved one.

I know my postings probably will be hit and miss for awhile and that too will be part of my willingness to continue to be raw and real with you’ll.

As you spend your last day of 2020….please reflect on all your blessings don’t take for granted one moment with family, friends, community.

But don’t also beat yourself up over “what if’s”…..or “should of”……

Instead move through the emotions……feel them….release yourself….and be present in the healing process.

Your mind body soul spirit will thank you for it!

Many blessings and hugs dear ones!
Kelly 💜

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