It’s been soo weird going back through all of this junk to write this book! Because this is the thing….I don’t hate nor dislike ANY of my abusers. And actually I have them ALL on my prayer list. I truly lift them all up in prayer and with love. True love.
I’ll admit part of me has wanted to retreat in fear that I am going to make someone angry, be accused of hurtful things, etc…..but that is exactly what the enemy wants. I have not ever included anyone’s names purposely. Because this isn’t about them. This is about my healing, my journey, and me helping YOU.
And really these men, boys, in my life were just as much a victim, a pawn. They had their own wounds to heal from. And we all have choices on how we heal or hide from our wounds, our sins, our hurts.
So I hold nothing but love in my heart for these boys. I didn’t just arrive to this love….it took time…but I am so grateful for how free I feel today in knowing that my 20 years of all forms of sexual abuse DO NOT DEFINE ME and that I am able to truly see HOW BEAUTIFULLY WONDERFULLY MADE I AM!!
I pray this chapter (below) will create healing in your health journey, especially if there is any aspect of it that speaks to your heart!
Many blessings and prayers always,
When I was 12 I had the opportunity to start earning a little bit of money busing tables. It was a small town. My mom was friends with the owner of the restaurant. Add to it, it was the early 80’s who knows what the child labor laws were. I grew up going to this restaurant all the time. So it wasn’t a huge stretch me working there eventually. My brother did odd jobs off and on for my parents in their business but I didn’t want to work for my parents. I loved the hustle and bustle of the restaurant. It again was a great place to observe people and listen to conversations. I really admired the head waitress and wanted to work with her. Now the owner had two boys who were friends with my brother.
These boys were truly wild. They were mean and sweet all in the same breath. I had fun hanging out with my brother and his friends most of the time. I soon discovered that like my brother’s other friend, they too were exposed to porn. But the porn they had access to was not only everywhere, their house, at the restaurant, in their dad’s truck, but it was pretty hard core stuff for in the 80’s.
Like I mentioned, these boys were intense. When they could be really sweet but when they fought it was like nothing I had ever witnessed before. I truly would get scared sometimes being around them. Not wanting to ever be on their bad side.
Now I loved working there at the restaurant but it was also a home away from home for me. I would hang out in the back room even when I didn’t have a shift. There was always great snacks there and a tv room and privacy. My parents printing business was sometimes too loud for me and this back room was a nice place to study, write, think and take naps.
The problem was sometimes when I took naps there I would be woken by someone touching me. I would lay there frozen praying they would just stop and go away. I knew it was one or both of the boys. And having seen them fight before I would find myself wondering if I would be the target of them “beating” on me if I resisted. But there was also another thing that held me back. A sensation that confused me. I didn’t understand it. In hindsight I am able to understand we were made for desire and it is a natural physical response to want touch. The problem was their touches were not from God they were from their own abuse of being exposed to porn. This went on for a while before I realized they weren’t going to stop, so I no longer had a safe escape in the back room. This also created another layer of shame and ugliness I felt about myself.
I stayed working at that restaurant from the ages of 13-18. I just never allowed myself to be in the back room ever again with the boys. But my year’s waitressing just further exposed me to pats, grabs, lingering hands and innuendos while I poured refills of coffee to the “grumpy old men” club during the mid-morning or mid-afternoon. They would do these things in the middle of me pouring when I was at my most vulnerable because I never wanted to spill, make a mess, or burn any of them. This reinforced my unworthiness and shame.
Console, Marjoram, and Clove together will provide the comfort to unburden our pain so we can truly stand up for ourselves to trust ourselves to connect with others.
Console: Sometimes we can feel anxious that an abuse will reoccur. We aren’t able to find comfort. We need to grieve the loss of our innocence. Console helps us unburden these pains. To see our WHOLENESS through God’s eyes.
Cloves: This oil of Boundaries encourages us to let go of a victim mentality. To stand up for ourselves. To have the courage to say no. It is especially helpful for breaking patterns of abuse.
Marjoram: We were created for connection, community. Trust is important to feel connected, to participate in life. But when we have experienced an abuse, a trauma, that has shifted our heart and mind toward others, it is hard to truly feel connected. Marjoram will open our hearts and soul to make the connection to trust, to heal.
Diffuse these three oils together or create a roller bottle so you can place them on pulse points. These are especially powerful oils to tap with. They will encourage amazing emotional release through your prayer and tapping.
Heavenly Father, I TRUST IN YOU! I don’t need to hold on to this pain, the anxious feelings that I will continue to be hurt. I can be open to receive others love and still maintain healthy boundaries. Boundaries doesn’t mean I am closed off from connecting to others as you designed us to. Instead my boundaries are to ensure I am loved and treated as you desire us to be loved and treated. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. And I WILL NOT LET ANYONE TELL ME OTHERWISE, NOT EVEN MYSELF. In your most holy name I break free from the burden of pain. I am not a victim. I do TRUST IN YOU. Thank you….I love you….amen!