Careless or Carefree..

I was visiting with my spiritual director awhile back……working on some more stuff with my healing journey.

I was expressing how I finally realized a few gaps that needed to be filled with my healing……how I was able to truly see the correlation between my sexual abuses and my dysmorphia and even my current health of hashimoto’s.   It was a really great moment and reflection.

It was interesting because if there is anything I have learned this last 2 years is that even when you think you have “worked” through something…..forgiven someone…..healed from something……if you don’t continue to do the work (like building muscles)…..your guard will go down and you will become weak again.

But it can also be a moment of amazing realization about something because you have been working so hard…..and then you wake up one morning with this clear clear insight….and your body has to breakdown just one more time in order to break through that ceiling to the next level.

That’s what this was like.

I was sharing how as I had been preparing for my presentations about raising a daughter with THEOLOGY OF THE BODY….encompassing modesty, abuses, rape, dysmorphia, love of self…..freedom…….

I realized the little girl in me needed to truly truly feel the full emotion of anger, hurt, pain, loss……

So as I was trying to explain some of what I had been recently struggling with to my spiritual director…….I also expressed how I know much of my struggle is related and wrapped together.  The reason why I am so passionate about modesty cannot be denied that it is related to having been raped and sexually abused through my childhood.  (Now those who have not watched or listened to my testimony on FB…..please know it WAS NOT MY FATHER!!)…….I have the most amazing loving, nurturing father… sexual abuses were  friends of my brother, boyfriends, personal friends, a teacher, and co-workers.

Anyways….all of that mixed in with the dysmorphia has always been a balancing act for me……I truly have forgiven and have come to love all my offenders……

But I found myself in two areas still struggling….with my mom and with other women.

The mom realization didn’t actually come until just recently and I will share more about that next week.

But other women!  I couldn’t figure out why I still fell short on judging other women on what they wore.  Trying desperately to love them where they are at.  To not make assumptions of what they wore and why they wore it…..after all our culture has been grooming us for decades now to become more and more comfortable with walking around naked.

And then my spiritual director said something so profound that it created the greatest amount of healing and peace….I JUST HAD TO SHARE IT WITH YOU ALL!!!

His words  touched me to the core….

He shared that maybe….what if….the mental and spiritual struggle I am having with women is careless vs. carefree!

When I see women walking around not as modest as I believe they should be, it could very well be my spirit yelling out, “How can you be so careless with this precious gift you have been given?  Have you had that gift ever violated and treated as an object? Would you really walk around in that if you had?”  HOW CAN YOU BE SO CARELESS…..

And then the other part of my spirit is crying out….”WHY CAN’T I BE SO CAREFREE!”  “Why do I care so much about being modest, why can’t I just put an outfit on for once and not over analyze what I am wearing and why am I wearing it!?  Why can’t I feel “normal”?  And why did I have to experience such abuses!?”

It had me totally break through so many inner barriers… was so freeing because what he said resonated through me in such a way that my body literally shook with a vibration, a pulse, that had me seeing colors with amazing bright light!

NO I AM NOT CRAZY…I am free!  I am free to live out fully how I was CAREFULLY CREATED….without feeling careless or a carefree that I  might feel is reckless.

It was interesting because it had me going through my clothes ONCE AGAIN….lol….(I am sure my husband is going to be convinced I don’t want to own any clothing!)……

But over the course of the last 5 weeks when I open a drawer to grab something I reflect, “Do I own this piece because I feel like the beautiful woman of God created me to be…..or am I trying to hide myself?”  I have been honest and real with myself….realizing that I was at another level of my healing that was allowing me to break away another layer of that shame… unveil the beautiful warrior woman  GOD created me to be!

My thoughts I want you to consider:  What do you find yourself hiding from?  Do you feel others around you are being careless or carefree about things that matter?  And what about yourself?   Sit with that….pray about it….write about it…..find freedom from it!!

Many blessings and hugs my dear readers….family…friends….

~Kelly 🙂

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