Okay so it wasn’t an intentional lie….
I have come to acknowledge so many things about my life….the good the bad the ugly.
I really never thought of myself of having ever really had an eating disorder…because I like many of you think of the extreme…the person purging…the person extremely too thin….the person avoiding food….or eating so much food that it hurts…..all with the purpose to control something in their life.
And then I had a realization the other week as I was listening to many podcasts with the specific purpose for the August Self-Love Devotional I am write on Facebook. I realized that really I toyed most of my life with disordered eating at the very least. The question I wanted to know was why!? Ah the answer actually became very clear to me after I shared last weeks posting….
I had witnessed my parents my whole life go to food for comfort…for many emotional reasons….and to hide from pain, disappointments, boredom, even hide their eating choices…..
I also had an aha of reflecting of every time in the past when I was being objectified….my body being focused on in an unholy way….those were the times I struggled most with food….
What did my disordered eating look like!?
I would eat and then feel guilty….then work out too much….
If my husband would ask me if I ate something from the frig….I would feel guilty like I wasn’t suppose to have eaten that item…that by his inquiring about it meant I was closet eating because I saw my mom do that often growing up…..which would in turn I would have moments where I would eat intentionally in secret….which in return meant I was closet eating….why!?
When my health took that amazing turn for the better in 2010 that I have shared about many times in this blog….well my body started to become too much of the focus to those around me again. Everyone wanted to know what I had done….the part I struggled with the most was the way men would look at me and the comments from men and women about looking “sexy”…..I don’t like that word….it has no holiness to it. I didn’t and don’t want to look “sexy”…I want to be respected. I want to be a woman who brings men and women to Christ. And if I am being looked at and commented on being “sexy”…..then that means that individual isn’t thinking holy thoughts at the very least seeing me as an object. Now this may seem extreme to the average person….but this is how I see it. THUS…..I found myself not on a conscience level starting to go down a path of disordered eating again. It was never intentional. How did it happen!? I have been able to reflect and realize it took me back to my childhood days of my body being the focus….the looks from others….the fear of being victimized yet once again.
My thyroid broke….okay it didn’t break….in reality it was screaming at me to use my voice! I truly believe there are many aspects to my thyroid health but one of them is a very spiritual health issue. When a person reads about the thyroids connection to different spiritual aspects or about it in Chinese health….well the thyroid is connected to using our voice!
I use to think I was good about using my voice….but in reality I was using my voice when I shouldn’t and not using my voice when I should.
As I have been working on the Self-Love devotion this month I have been able to reflect on how even my needing to eat a particular way because of my health could cause me to fall back into a disordered mindset….BUT THEN…I reflected on how different I am now. How much I have grown and changed. And just like with the dysmorphia I am able to recognize the triggers and the potential of something causing me to fall back into hurtful habits.
AND WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE!?
LOVE…TRUE LOVE OF SELF!
God! I live in HIS WILL NOT MINE…..I wake each morning first telling God how much I love Him and thank Him for the day….then I look in the mirror and say I love you…..because I know since I just told GOD how much I love Him….well by not saying “I love you” to myself would contradict what I just told Him.
And food…well if I was to overeat….I am showing a lack of love to self….I would have to reflect on what am I trying to “stuff down” or quiet or ignore or avoid!?
If I was to work out to erase food I ate…then I am disrespecting this body God has trusted me with…
And if I give into any sort of disordered tendency then I am giving into an emotion that someone or something has triggered rather than taking my hurt and pain to GOD!
So the freedom…the true freedom is to understand and know FOOD IS NOT THE ENEMY!
My food choices are based on not what I can or can’t have….because I HAVE A CHOICE. And my choice is to eat only things that work best for my whole health. There is amazing freedom to say I don’t want that…or no thank you. So if a person says “can you have that”….my response is “I could, but I choose to not partake….my body feels better when I eat xyz and not abc….and I like feeling great!”
Thus when I fast now….it is the most amazing profound experience because it truly now has freedom….freedom that I know it has no punishment behind it. A fast anymore is only related to my spiritual health, my physical health, and or my mental health! It is beautiful and freeing!
What do you need freedom from!? Do you struggle with disordered eating!? What is your relationship with your food…your body….GOD!? Take a moment to reflect, pray, and write about it today!
Many blessings and hugs my dear readers….family….friends…