Why So Serious?!

Last week I was receiving a massage from a dear friend.  She is truly amazing at her gift.  She does a type of massage that is therapeutic (I honestly don’t remember what kind…sorry!) Over the years I have learned to appreciate how important massage is for not only self-care, but also for minimizing inflammation with Hashimotos.  An added bonus is every time I have a massage it aids the healing of my past sexual traumas.

Having had 20 years of different forms of sexual abuses occur had left my body and spirit depleted and uncomfortable with things like a massage.  I was never able to feel fully relaxed for a massage.  It meant I was vulnerable.  It meant my body was exposed.  So not only would my fight, flight or flee receptors kick in but my dysmorphia would trigger.

But now, years later, I am able to experience the gift and beauty of this amazing experience that is truly life giving for me!

Have you ever had a struggle with truly becoming comfortable with a massage or a situation where you felt you were physically exposed thus vulnerable?!

Keep digging deep in your spiritual and emotional healing so you can feel the fullness of the physical healing massage can provide.

Now lets move on to my next chapter of this book.  I have been reflecting so much on what the title should be….so if any of you have any suggestions I would love your input ;)….

As you’ll discover this boyfriend was a piece of work. And you know what is super sad, years later even after I was married I still found myself wanting to impress him, to show him I had made something of my life.  It was then that God truly looked me in the eye and said, “Do you really want to heal?!”

So this is what I pose to you as well:  Do you really want to heal!?  How can you make sure you are moving in a healing direction?

With that….may you find blessings of healing and hope with this next chapter….

Many blessings and prayers always,

Kelly 🙂

PS…I would love to add your healing petitions to my prayers.  Don’t hesitate to reach out to me so I can add you to my prayer list….

chapter 7

CHAPTER 7: Why So Serious!?

2nd SERIOUS BOYFRIEND:  Have you ever had an experience, a relationship, where you truly wonder, “How on earth did I allow myself to be put into this situation?”  “Why would I allow myself to be treated so horribly?”  That was this relationship for me.  I honestly have no clue how or why I ever became attracted to this boy who was a year older than me.  And to add to it, he was truly mean and rude to me from day one.  Yet I think I truly begged for him to date me.  I know he was friends with several of my good friends.  I was a cheerleader, he was a basketball player. And we had youth group together.  Maybe it was all those different constant encounters that had him on my radar.

Thus, I entered a year of the most toxic and degrading relationship at the ripe age of 16.   The abuse from him was verbal and sexual.  He expected and demanded things from me that I felt I couldn’t say no to because I was desperate at this point to be loved “in all the wrong ways”.  He cheated on me continually yet I was so desperate for his love that I accepted it.  I compromised my faith for him.  It saddens me to know that hours before my confirmation I compromised my dignity just to please him. The shame of sinful behavior brought me even deeper into my self-loathing. The lowest point of this abusive relationship was when he forced me to perform things for him, holding me down telling me I owed it to him because he did me a favor by taking me to prom.  Then when he dropped me off at home he went out to be with someone else.

Because of this relationship I never even saw how going to a teacher for guidance would bring me into yet another vulnerable situation of being used and abused.  You see I was sooo naïve that I wasn’t sure if a girl could get pregnant if she hadn’t had intercourse.  I had a pretty good relationship with my science teacher.  I thought he was weird, but he made me feel special.  That should’ve been my first sign that something wasn’t right about him.  But I was so confused and hurt by this boyfriend that I often went to this teacher for help, guidance and an ear.  During one of the many times I expressed concern that I hadn’t started my period but I hadn’t had sex so surely I couldn’t be pregnant.  He shared how you didn’t have to have intercourse to become pregnant.  I freaked.  He said there is a way to know if a girl is pregnant without having to take a test.  He said there were physical signs that showed up around our breasts.  This is how broken I was, I said yes to showing him my breasts in the dark back lab room.

It wasn’t until years later that I would realize that what my boyfriend had done to me, how he forced me on him is rape.  And it didn’t take me too long to realize that the science teacher I had trusted truly had used me and this was a form of sexual abuse/misconduct.

In walks our next blend of: MARJORAM, BERGOMOT, HELICHRYSUM

If you have a past trauma like this, then opening yourself up to trust others, to not fall into limiting beliefs, and to restore confidence in yourself through the pain can feel overwhelming if not impossible.

MARJORAM: will assist you in trusting others again, to remember it’s okay to feel safe with another person and to not sabotage a relationship based on past wounds.

BERGAMOT: pure and simple will open your heart to accept yourself and to close the door on limiting beliefs.  Especially the limiting belief that you’re not worthy of real love.

HELICHRYSUM: will address the intense deep wounds and pain of being abused and/or raped.  It reminds you to have the strength to transform your life, to have hope in your healing, and to know you are worthy!

Diffuse these three oils together or create a roller bottle so you can place them on pulse points.  These are especially powerful oils to tap with.  They will encourage amazing emotional release through your prayer and tapping.

PRAYER:

Heavenly Father, you remind me in 2 Kings 20:5 that you have heard my prayers and seen my tears, you will heal me.  I have nothing more to fear.  I need not fear living this amazing life to its fullness.  The pain of abuse and even personal choices are washed away by your precious son’s blood.  I WILL open my heart to accept YOU in assisting me during this process to gain the confidence to heal and trust others to be fully present in this amazing life.  I am transformed by your love and mercy.  Thank you Lord for the strength to transform, accept, and connect!  Amen.

ONE TOO MANY

I couldn’t wait til Wednesday to share my most recent chapter…..mostly because I know I didn’t “show up” last week :)….It feels like I have been doing a lot of that recently.  Trying to find balance in life isn’t always easy…lol.  I found myself wanting to do everything else other than sit and write.

It’s a new season of life: summer.  Which means it’s shifting into summer activities with my daughter’s education and goals.  One would think it would be easier, lighter, therefore more time for me to write.  But instead I find myself wanting to hang out and do things with her.  Help her ponder life decisions.  She amazes me with her profound insight of life.  And when I look at her I pray with an intensity that I think all parents can relate to:  Lord please help her to stay on the narrower path better than I ever did.  Help her to stay strong and hear only YOUR voice and not the chatter of the world.

Thus my only true excuse for some of the things I just didn’t get done last week that I had desired to accomplish was I chose to connect with my daughter instead of connecting with everyone else…lol.

This brings us to my next chapter….a chapter that unfolds my beginning of missing the mark as Christoper West explains so beautifully with his ministry and teachings on Theology of the Body!

May it bring peace and healing to any and all who need to forgive and love themselves for missing the mark in life choices!

My prayers and blessings always for each and all of you!

Kelly 🙂

chapter 6

CHAPTER 6:

One Too Many

 My first boyfriend led to too many boys.

I fought my parents when I was 15 to date.  I was “in love”.  I had grown up with this boy.  We knew each other from church and he gave me special attention.  I felt so grown up around him.  I was in junior high and he was in high school.  We were in choir together and got paired up to harmonize together quite often.  I loved being around him.  He made me feel special.

My parents finally acquiesced.  I am honestly not even sure why.  Our relationship was simple, sweet, and “just” a little kissing here and there.  But then we started to cross boundaries.  I remember him telling me that his older siblings had suggested that we weren’t normal, we were too prude, because we weren’t at least touching each other.  After all it was rationalized we were still “virgins” if we didn’t “do it”.

This was an aha moment for me as a developing woman.  What started to become distorted even more so in my mind was:  I am a sexual being and in order to get what I want in life I must use my body to get it.  I started to push the boundaries of what to wear and how to wear it.  Which further created another layer of shame and lack of self-love.

Well this experience led me start dating too many boys.  I spiraled down a road of willingness to put myself into situations and dates that were potentially dangerous and risky.  Since my shame was so thick and I felt so unlovable and not free I felt I couldn’t say no to the boys who wanted to touch me in lust.  After all I didn’t say no before so how could I say no now.  And I wasn’t having sex so what harm was it really.

Cumin/Peppermint/Patchouli essential oils will create a blend to unlock the pain of past choices, to have peace with your body.

CUMIN:  When we find ourselves confused with choices and decisions we can start to doubt ourselves.  We need to clear our head to realize we can make good decisions.

PEPPERMINT: This oil will help a person find the strength to heal from those choices we aren’t always proud of.  Sometimes we need to feel renewed, discover joy and strip away the disheartened feelings that can way us down from our choices.

PATCHOULI:  As we strengthen ourselves to face our emotions of our choices we are able to release the emotional judgment we may be put upon our body.  We are able to find peace and appreciate our body once again.

Diffuse these three oils together or create a roller bottle so you can place them on pulse points.  These are especially powerful oils to tap with.  They will encourage amazing emotional release through your prayer and tapping.

Prayer:

Lord I will remember your promise in Ephesians 4:24… put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Oh Lord, I will reflect on these words this day and remember that you don’t hold on to the things of past, so I should not as well.  I will remember your promise in Isaiah…Behold, I am doing a new thing; Lord I know that I have strength to not look behind me because you want us to only look forward….with your love I will judge myself no more…..I will discover the joy of all the amazing decisions I have to look forward to in my present and future. Decisions that aim for you, aim for being the best version of myself. Thank you for your love, thank you for your grace, your mercy, your everything.  Amen

Bossy Boys

It’s been soo weird going back through all of this junk to write this book!  Because this is the thing….I don’t hate nor dislike ANY of my abusers.  And actually I have them ALL on my prayer list.  I truly lift them all up in prayer and with love.  True love.

I’ll admit part of me has wanted to retreat in fear that I am going to make someone angry, be accused of hurtful things, etc…..but that is exactly what the enemy wants.  I have not ever included anyone’s names purposely.  Because this isn’t about them.  This is about my healing, my journey, and me helping YOU.

And really these men, boys, in my life were just as much a victim, a pawn.  They had their own wounds to heal from.  And we all have choices on how we heal or hide from our wounds, our sins, our hurts.

So I hold nothing but love in my heart for these boys.  I didn’t just arrive to this love….it took time…but I am so grateful for how free I feel today in knowing that my 20 years of all forms of sexual abuse DO NOT DEFINE ME and that I am able to truly see HOW BEAUTIFULLY WONDERFULLY MADE I AM!!

I pray this chapter (below) will create healing in your health journey, especially if there is any aspect of it that speaks to your heart!

Many blessings and prayers always,

Kelly 🙂

chapter 5

CHAPTER 5:

BOSSY BOYS

When I was 12 I had the opportunity to start earning a little bit of money busing tables.  It was a small town.  My mom was friends with the owner of the restaurant.  Add to it, it was the early 80’s who knows what the child labor laws were.  I grew up going to this restaurant all the time.  So it wasn’t a huge stretch me working there eventually.  My brother did odd jobs off and on for my parents in their business but I didn’t want to work for my parents.  I loved the hustle and bustle of the restaurant.  It again was a great place to observe people and listen to conversations.  I really admired the head waitress and wanted to work with her.  Now the owner had two boys who were friends with my brother.

These boys were truly wild.  They were mean and sweet all in the same breath.  I had fun hanging out with my brother and his friends most of the time.  I soon discovered that like my brother’s other friend, they too were exposed to porn.  But the porn they had access to was not only everywhere, their house, at the restaurant, in their dad’s truck, but it was pretty hard core stuff for in the 80’s.

Like I mentioned, these boys were intense.  When they could be really sweet but when they fought it was like nothing I had ever witnessed before.  I truly would get scared sometimes being around them.  Not wanting to ever be on their bad side.

Now I loved working there at the restaurant but it was also a home away from home for me.  I would hang out in the back room even when I didn’t have a shift.  There was always great snacks there and a tv room and privacy.  My parents printing business was sometimes too loud for me and this back room was a nice place to study, write, think and take naps.

The problem was sometimes when I took naps there I would be woken by someone touching me.  I would lay there frozen praying they would just stop and go away.  I knew it was one or both of the boys.  And having seen them fight before I would find myself wondering if I would be the target of them “beating” on me if I resisted.  But there was also another thing that held me back.  A sensation that confused me.  I didn’t understand it.  In hindsight I am able to understand we were made for desire and it is a natural physical response to want touch. The problem was their touches were not from God they were from their own abuse of being exposed to porn.  This went on for a while before I realized they weren’t going to stop, so I no longer had a safe escape in the back room.  This also created another layer of shame and ugliness I felt about myself.

I stayed working at that restaurant from the ages of 13-18.  I just never allowed myself to be in the back room ever again with the boys.  But my year’s waitressing just further exposed me to pats, grabs, lingering hands and innuendos while I poured refills of coffee to the “grumpy old men” club during the mid-morning or mid-afternoon.  They would do these things in the middle of me pouring when I was at my most vulnerable because I never wanted to spill, make a mess, or burn any of them.  This reinforced my unworthiness and shame.

Console, Marjoram, and Clove together will provide the comfort to unburden our pain so we can truly stand up for ourselves to trust ourselves to connect with others.

Console:  Sometimes we can feel anxious that an abuse will reoccur.  We aren’t able to find comfort. We need to grieve the loss of our innocence.  Console helps us unburden these pains.  To see our WHOLENESS through God’s eyes.

Cloves: This oil of Boundaries encourages us to let go of a victim mentality.  To stand up for ourselves.  To have the courage to say no.  It is especially helpful for breaking patterns of abuse.

Marjoram:  We were created for connection, community.  Trust is important to feel connected, to participate in life.  But when we have experienced an abuse, a trauma, that has shifted our heart and mind toward others, it is hard to truly feel connected.  Marjoram will open our hearts and soul to make the connection to trust, to heal.

Diffuse these three oils together or create a roller bottle so you can place them on pulse points.  These are especially powerful oils to tap with.  They will encourage amazing emotional release through your prayer and tapping.

Prayer:

Heavenly Father, I TRUST IN YOU! I don’t need to hold on to this pain, the anxious feelings that I will continue to be hurt.  I can be open to receive others love and still maintain healthy boundaries.  Boundaries doesn’t mean I am closed off from connecting to others as you designed us to.  Instead my boundaries are to ensure I am loved and treated as you desire us to be loved and treated.  I am beautifully and wonderfully made.  And I WILL NOT LET ANYONE TELL ME OTHERWISE, NOT EVEN MYSELF.  In your most holy name I break free from the burden of pain.  I am not a victim.  I do TRUST IN YOU.  Thank you….I love you….amen!

THE WHEELS ON THE BUS

Come Holy Spirit fill the hearts of your faithful!

This last Sunday was Pentecost !  The disciples had locked themselves in the upper room for 10 days in prayer and anticipation for the Holy Spirit….their ADVOCATE….to come and be with them as they went out to bring Jesus’s teachings to ALL THE WORLD!

I’ve been really reflecting even more so recently on the word ADVOCATE.  I love how the Holy Spirit IS described as our advocate: ONE WHO SUPPORTS!  As a doTERRA ADVOCATE that is EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE CALLED TO BE: A SUPPORT!  We are to walk side by side and guide, coach, and teach others how to support their health the way God intended us to in a whole body way, with HIS gifts.  It’s truly why I LOVE doing what I do…..because at no time do I, as a coach, (or doTERRA for that matter) say that these oils are the end all be all…..but they are in cooperation with God’s design, plan.  They SUPPORT us in life’s physical and emotional struggles.

As I processed and completed through many chapters of my book recently, I yes could have done it with God alone, but I am grateful He has gifted me with the oils to support my humanness so I don’t have to try to lean on my will….so I can remember His WILL BE DONE!  These oils ALWAYS lead me back to HIM.  JUST LIKE THE HOLY SPIRIT ALWAYS LEADS US BACK TO JESUS AND THE FATHER!

Today’s chapter was a memory that I recall always being in the background of my mind but never clear, it had been suppressed for many years but through one of my Splankna sessions last year I discovered how much it had effected some of my lack of self love and self care.

May my journey bring peace and awareness on your own journey of healing and hope!

Many blessings and prayers always!

Kelly 🙂

chapter 4

 

Chapter 4:

THE WHEELS ON THE BUS

I grew up in a very small down of around 1000 people at the time.  To make it even more interesting that was the town I went to school and my parents had their business but we actually lived out in the country, the foothills of the mountains.  This was about a 15-20 minute drive from home to town, but by bus it was about an hour.  The school bus picked me and my brother up every morning at 6:30 or 6:45.

It was a given fact that the older you were the farther in the bus you were allowed to sit.  So when you’re 10 you didn’t have to sit way in the front and you were able to sit closer to the middle.  This meant you were able to sit closer to the “cool kids” aka: high schoolers.  At least that’s what I thought because they had all the interesting conversations.  They had the cool clothes.  They were just fun to listen to and watch.

There was one girl who had an older brother, so he sat in the back and she always was privy to the inside conversation.  I wanted to get to know them because I thought their house was cool and different whenever I saw it on the school route.

This girl was my age and we started to sit together to make the time go by faster.  We talked about school, friends, her brother and much more.  She was different, they (her and her brother) were different.  The more time I spent with her the more I realized there was something off about them.  But I didn’t really know how to put my finger on it, or what it was, after all I was only 10 when I met her and started to really get to know her that particular school year.

What I do remember is something weird happened one time on the bus that I don’t know how to fully explain how it even came about.  It makes me think of a frog in a boiling pot.  You know the saying that a frog if plunged into a pot of boiling water it would jump, but if you have it in water and gradually increase the water temperature it will adjust and eventually be boiled to death…..well parts of me have over the years wonder if that’s what was happening.  If my sense of curiosity with this girl and her brother and wanting to always know the scoop of what the “big kids” were doing and saying that I don’t even know how it came about where I remember one day sitting in the school bus seat and the next thing I know she was touching me in ways that I was NOT comfortable with.  I remember thinking how did we get here?  Was it because we always caught glimpses of the older kids making out and doing things very much in the public and scandalizing all of us.  Was this girl’s brother doing things with her that he shouldn’t be and this was her acting out?

All I know was I truly didn’t understand why she was touching me in places and in ways that was not natural or normal for our age, let alone being the same sex.  I once again froze.  I couldn’t get home fast enough.  I wanted to wash this experience out of my brain for forever.

I never sat with her again on the school bus.  I remember the next day her waving me to the seat to sit with her and me purposely sitting up in the very front seat with the 6 year olds right behind the bus driver.  I didn’t want to be near the cool kids anymore.

Have you ever had an experience where you felt powerless, dishonored, and muddled?  That’s how I felt!

GINGER, GRAPEFRUIT, and PEPPERMINT:  Let’s take a look at how these three oils can bring back a person’s power, honor, and relief.

Ginger: This oil helps us take responsibility of knowing we are not powerless.  We may not have control over other people’s actions toward us but we don’t have to sit with a victim mentality.  We can gain power but taking actions to prevent it from happening again.

Grapefruit:  When a person has been violated, scandalized, shamed….there is a tendency to want to dishonor our body….to starve it, abuse it, or even hide behind food.  Grapefruit encourages us to have integrity and to truly love our body, no matter what.

Peppermint:  Our mind and our heart sometimes need a break from the pain of memories.  We are to not live in fear.  But we need to remember to not hide or escape the work of clearing out the emotional baggage of trauma.  Using peppermint can help us clear out the muddled pain and confusion, give us temporary relief to breath as we process the pain of a trauma or experience that isn’t so comfortable for us.

Create a blend with these three to put into water to enjoy sipping or diffuse 3 drops of each or place a drop of each with fractionated coconut oil to rub on your belly (your solar plexus) and the insides of your elbow, allowing your heart and body to embrace the powerful healing of honoring your body with taking back your power and moving past pain.

Tap as you Pray:

Heavenly father as I experience these oils, help me to bring to surface any experience that is from my past that I have ignored for too long.  An experience I may have tried to hide from, numb the pain, and grant me the strength now to be fully present in this healing, to appreciate my body and not hide it in shame.  Through your healing power I can do this.  I trust in you.  Amen

Fertility Freedom

I struggled with infertility for many years before I was blessed with my wonderful daughter! And even afterwards.

Then I became empowered with understanding so many of the whys and how to thrive.

Even though I’m now past my fertility years I am able to still find amazing power in managing my hormones and understanding the how and why!

Join me today on Facebook as I dig into ways we can truly thrive and appreciate our fertility and hormones!

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑